Since ending the sabbatical, I’ve been stood up by Mustache #2, I lost a Friday night to the Friday Night Thief and I revisited a previous dater (I didn’t write about it, but let’s just say, 3rd time was not a charm with Friend Zone Guy).

That said, it shouldn’t be a complete shock that I’m actually excited about tonight’s blind date.

Now, when I say “blind date” what I really mean is a friend from work set us up and forwarded me his Facebook page. Therefore, what I am not blind to is that he is tall, good looking, has a great education and makes photo videos to good music of his travels abroad. He also appears to play in a band that could border on hokey – which, if you know me, is a big plus – and he has been very nice and mildly funny in his emails.

Here’s the problem…

So far today, I giggled out loud at his email confirming the time and place for the date, I smiled to myself while walking through the office and I even had a daydream about him contacting our mutual friend for the office address and sending me flowers tomorrow.

I know…barf.

….I know.

I have absolutely NO idea if I’m going to like this guy tonight and even less of an idea if he’s going to like me, so what’s the deal?

I’m guessing that the reason for this is similar to the reason I got all excited about white rapper #2 – a younger guy with no job living in his parent’s NY basement…

I’ve been accidentally abstinent for too long. It’s a fact of single life and I blame the following people:

Friday-Night Thief

Mustache #1

Mustache #2

TMI Dan, Confusing-Name Guy

Mario the Masseur

the guy who told me that I ate a lot on our date

Laurie (the texter that turned out to be a girl)

“Let us pray” Guy

Twice-Engaged Guy

Soft-Core Porn Guy

Friend Zone Guy

Waiter-friend Guy

Pretentious Side-Note Guy

B-Looking Girl Guy

LA Guy

They are all responsible for my current situation.

Not quite sure what we’re going to do about the over-arching problem, but I DO know that between now and 8 PM tonight I need to simmer down. I don’t want to turn this poor guy into someone he’s not, and I don’t want to attack him if it turns out that he is.

I’m just going to keep telling myself: He’s better looking in his picture…his band is his life…he spends every Saturday night with his friends…he’s actually 5′6″ and posts pictures of himself with his 5′2″ friends…

Anything else?? Come on friends, help a sista out.

I’m guessing a picture like this isn’t going to help me, but you’re welcome anyway.

Friday night was another Karaoke Night, but this time I was not going it alone and we were at “old faithful” – the same bar where we’ve met gems, such as The Facebook Friender (AKA Chocolate Dip) and Late-Night-Soft-Core-Porn Guy.

But before we went to the bar, my girlfriend and I went out to dinner and were analyzing my taste in guys (I know. Shocking). She was saying that I’m very picky when it comes to guys and I was saying that I just feel like I know more now about what I’m looking for and what I’m not willing to invest in when it comes to guys. I was painting a picture of a pretty mature guy. A man if you will. Someone who knows who he is, what he wants and where he’s going but doesn’t take himself all too seriously. It really sounded like I had my shit together.

Then we went to the bar…

That’s where two attractive guys approached us. One was very responsible looking with his short haircut, glasses and polo shirt peeking out of his sweater. The other had a more rugged look going on with his scruffy facial hair and unwashed brown hair peeking out of his less-than-white white hat.

Throughout the night we uncovered the following…

Together…they rap in a band. (Is it considered a “band” when there is rapping involved? Or is it rap group? Whatever, they have a band and in which they perform rap. (and yes. I’m white)).

Separately…

The preppy guy (white rapper #1) lives in an apartment in LA, has a stable, well-paying day job and speaks intelligently on just about any topic you can bring up.

The rugged guy (white rapper #2) didn’t mention anything about a job, lives in his parent’s basement in Long Island, NY, and when I mentioned that I smelled a mix of body-odor and stale cigarettes, he said it was probably him.

I will give you one guess as to which one I was most attracted to.

It’s not that I didn’t try to like the preppy guy. I talked with him almost all night. But when we left the bar and my friend told me that white rapper #2 told her he thought I was “really pretty,” I shreaked like a little girl and forced her to “tell me every detail about your conversation.”

Clearly I’m exhibiting a disconnect between all I’ve learned in my years of dating and “the butterflies” that control my girlish tendencies.

The good news is, white rapper #1 and white rapper #2 gave us tickets to their show this coming Friday, so we can continue examining this internal discrepancy.

Meanwhile, I think I’ll hold back on my “I know what I’m looking for” repertoire and stare at these photos.

Last night I went out with the “perfect” guy. Seriously.

He is smart, funny, tall, handsome, a children’s charity volunteer, a great dancer and – as I learned when he took my hand and asked that we pray before dinner – a devout christian.

I can’t say that I was totally comfortable with the idea of thanking God for fish and chips on a first date, but I took his hand, bowed my head and said a little prayer to myself…

Our father, in dating heaven

Humor be thy name

Thy virgin come

Thy will be done

With this date, before it’s begun

Give us this girl another round

And forgive me my judgment

As I forgive those who take me to late-night, soft-core porn

Lead him not to temptation

But deliver me the next on your list

For thy may be single, approachable and amused forever

Oy-men

You decide:

I recently went out with a guy and while date #1 had it’s fair share of red flags, it took date #2 to show me the light.

First Date Red Flags:
#1: He chose a dinner location around the corner from his house and a good 10 miles from mine.

#2: The inner thigh of my jeans ripped while exiting my car at the restaurant valet – I believe the universe was raising a red flag for me. (Side note: A woman walked in on me while I was taking this picture – leg up on the sink – in the restaurant bathroom. It only showcases 1/2 of the rip).

#3: During dinner, he reached across the table, pointed to and physically touched a zit I had covered up on my forehead and asked if it was a scar. I mean…not only did he notice it, he made mention of it and forced me to admit to my B-looking girl, adult acne on a first date.

#4: He surprise kissed me 3 times, to which I would unconsciously and uncomfortably react with an “oh dear” just before he kissed me.

#5: At 11 PM on this Monday night date, he asked me if I wanted come over to his house and to watch this random independent film where the leading lady shares my first name.

After all of that, I still accepted date #2 to go see that independent film at a once-a-month-showing in a theater. I figured it would be a cultural experience and could avoid any more invitations to go to his house to watch it.

Little did I know that it would be a midnight showing of “one of the worst films ever made” (according to Wikipedia) at a theater 20 miles away from my house. Not only did this film have a following of obnoxious people who waited in line for 2 hours to get a good seat and insisted on yelling throughout the screening, it was essentially a soft-core porn, cast with unattractive people. I wanted to leave the instant it started. How could he fail to mention the numerous poorly-shot naked sex scenes when “selling me” on the date?

In hindsight, I should have simply left, but at the time I felt trapped and so…since it was 1 AM and I was in a dark room looking for an escape from the experience, I allowed myself to fall asleep. Still think it was wrong?

You do? Well, what if I told you that he has seen the movie over 15 times, owns the DVD, has been to the midnight screening two other times and has a picture of himself with the director on his cell phone?

…I thought so.