I was on my way home from the date with Cute Guy with a Puppy (Part 1) and my mind was racing with all that had just happened. From the bazaar topics of conversation, covered in Part 2, to the sales pitch in Part 3; it’s moments like this I realize I need to be using the dictaphone feature of my cell phone.
I reach for my cell phone and get distracted by all the missed communication alerts. One was the Facebook request from when Cute Guy with a Puppy “friended” me from the date. And while I was curious to know how many Facebook friends he actually had, I knew I would not be accepting his friend request. To my surprise, when I clicked on his profile picture, it linked to his open Facebook page. Nice! Some entertainment for red light stops on my way home.
Here is what I learned on the drive:
1. He actually has 4,000+ Facebook friends (how is that possible?)
2. He posted a picture of his Christmas tree with a big picture of himself at the very top. The caption reads: “I couldn’t find a real star, so I put an angel instead”
3. He must be one of those eternal bachelor types because a girl wrote “you’re my favorite bachelor” on his wall.
When I got home I started planning a 3-part blog.
The next morning I stopped by a Coffee Bean on my way to a meeting. As I waited for my soy latte I clicked on my Facebook app to catch-up on the “news” of the day and realized it was still on Cute Guy with a Puppy’s page. Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll flip through some photo albums and see if I can find some redeeming qualities (a little innocent stalking never hurt anyone…). At first I saw the photo album titles you would expect to see…”Random stuff,” “My new dog,” but a couple other titles caught my attention…”Bachelorette Finale Party” and “Bachelorette Reunion.”
Just then, little cloud appeared above my head with Cute Guy with a Puppy’s inside saying, “you didn’t Google me?”
S.A.G.: Oh shit.
I immediately went to the search engine on my Blackberry and typed in his name and the word Bachelor.
Two seconds later I blurted out, “NOOOOO!” (this confused the folks around me at Coffee Bean). Cute Guy with a Puppy had been a Bachelor on one of the Bachelorette seasons and according to Google he continues to work the Bachelor franchise circuit. I immediately call my reality TV expert girlfriend. Her reaction was the same, “NOOOOOOOO!” She continued, “Of course I know who he is. He was suuuuch a d-bag. I can’t believe you went out with him!!!”
She and I were laughing for the rest of my ride to work as I pieced it all together. Now the strange b.s. spewing from his mouth throughout the date actually made sense!
He had been motivated to be eat really healthy, but now it doesn’t matter as much…He always hangs around young 20-somethings with fake boobs…He has 4,000+ Facebook friends…
No wonder his mom was desperate for him to go out with me.
He must have been shocked to realize I genuinely did not know he who he was. Frankly, I’m shocked he didn’t come clean during the date. I’m sure he assumed I knew who he was when I asked him out…OH GOD, I can’t believe I asked this guy out. Here I was, thinking I had picked up some nice guy at who goes to the farmer’s market with his mom, and it turns out I’ve further inflated the ego of a a guy who has been dragging out his 15 minutes of fame as a sleazeball on TV and at red carpet events. Maybe the inappropriate jokes are part of his TV persona.
It makes me laugh when I think back to the days leading up to our date when I was wondering to myself, “what could possible be wrong with him?”
Let’s turn my horror into a learning experience. The following is what I learned from Cute Boy with a Puppy:
1. Cute guys with puppies cannot be trusted
2. If a guy mentions his 4,000+ Facebook friends more than once on a date, do not assume he’s joking
3. There are types of insurance I didn’t know existed
4. I live in LA
5. I should have Googled him
Friday night was another Karaoke Night, but this time I was not going it alone and we were at “old faithful” – the same bar where we’ve met gems, such as The Facebook Friender (AKA Chocolate Dip) and Late-Night-Soft-Core-Porn Guy.
But before we went to the bar, my girlfriend and I went out to dinner and were analyzing my taste in guys (I know. Shocking). She was saying that I’m very picky when it comes to guys and I was saying that I just feel like I know more now about what I’m looking for and what I’m not willing to invest in when it comes to guys. I was painting a picture of a pretty mature guy. A man if you will. Someone who knows who he is, what he wants and where he’s going but doesn’t take himself all too seriously. It really sounded like I had my shit together.
Then we went to the bar…
That’s where two attractive guys approached us. One was very responsible looking with his short haircut, glasses and polo shirt peeking out of his sweater. The other had a more rugged look going on with his scruffy facial hair and unwashed brown hair peeking out of his less-than-white white hat.
Throughout the night we uncovered the following…
Together…they rap in a band. (Is it considered a “band” when there is rapping involved? Or is it rap group? Whatever, they have a band and in which they perform rap. (and yes. I’m white)).
Separately…
The preppy guy (white rapper #1) lives in an apartment in LA, has a stable, well-paying day job and speaks intelligently on just about any topic you can bring up.
The rugged guy (white rapper #2) didn’t mention anything about a job, lives in his parent’s basement in Long Island, NY, and when I mentioned that I smelled a mix of body-odor and stale cigarettes, he said it was probably him.
I will give you one guess as to which one I was most attracted to.
It’s not that I didn’t try to like the preppy guy. I talked with him almost all night. But when we left the bar and my friend told me that white rapper #2 told her he thought I was “really pretty,” I shreaked like a little girl and forced her to “tell me every detail about your conversation.”
Clearly I’m exhibiting a disconnect between all I’ve learned in my years of dating and “the butterflies” that control my girlish tendencies.
The good news is, white rapper #1 and white rapper #2 gave us tickets to their show this coming Friday, so we can continue examining this internal discrepancy.
Meanwhile, I think I’ll hold back on my “I know what I’m looking for” repertoire and stare at these photos.
I like Facebook as much as the next girl – especially since most people’s photos are still available for the viewing – but while we’re on the topic of Too Much Information…
Facebook friending (as we’ve discussed before) is not a science by any means. There are few rules and if you’re of a certain age and went to a large-enough high school or college, you’re bound to have roughly 150 past acquaintances that now hold the title Friend. It’s all pretty innocent of course. So what if that guy from your AP Environmental Science has access to your pictures and status updates? No harm, no foul. I’m too am guilty of logging on the pages of once forgotten high school classmates to see how they turned out.
My recent issue is with the Facebook Chat. It breaks down the safety-barrier of the skillfully tagged/untagged pictures and allows for real-time, unedited personal conversations with the people that you can’t remember having conversations with back when you spent hours upon hours in the same building.
Here’s what happened…
Back in August, I was minding my own business (well, not really) on Facebook and all of sudden a window pops up and I hear that little “blip.” It’s this guy I went to elementary, middle and high school with. I hardly remember us having interaction over those 13 years (and mind you, I was in the marching band, so it’s not like I was too cool for school).
My mind immediately starts racing through the reasons he could want to catch-up via live chat. According to his profile, he lives in Canada, so I’m guessing he doesn’t want to go out. After the initial “hello, how are you doing” chat, he drops “I’m engaged.”
Now I get it. He’s so excited about his pending nuptials that he wants all of his Facebook friends to know and he is devoted enough to chat with each of us personally. So the conversations goes like this (exactly like this, actually):
S.A.G. “nice! congratulations, when are you getting married?”
Random high school guy: “it’s ok, she’s far away right now. Maybe next summer, not really sure yet”
S.A.G. “oh. where is she?”
Random high school guy: “She’s from Sweden. I met her in Boston. Sometimes I miss the single life though. It’s a big leap that’s for sure.”
S.A.G. “well…sometimes I miss having someone. The grass is always greener”
Random high school guy: “Yeah. I had no idea what a change it would be”
S.A.G. “Being engaged?”
Random high school guy: “Yeah. I had the best single life living in Boston.”
S.A.G. “So…is she living in Sweden right now?” (a quick change of subject, followed shortly by a “my computer battery is about to die” excuse)
Since this Facebook chat, he has chatted with me before every major holiday to ask if I’m going to be home and if I would like to get a drink. Each time I inquired about the engagement and each time it was still on. So sad.
I didn’t think too much about this isolated incident, but then this happened…
Same situation – a “blip” from a random guy that lives far away, but this time he is from college and he is so obscure that when he originally asked to be Facebook friends I had to look at all his pictures and our mutual friends before deciding it would be bad form not to accept.
At the very start of the chat I mentioned that I needed to be going to get to my dinner plans. He asked if it was a date and I said yes (it’s true, the sabbatical is over) and then he starts telling me about his ex-girlfriend…
S.A.G. “how long since the breakup?”
Random college guy: “well, about 6 months…but we kind of didn’t stop being physically exclusive until about a week ago.”
S.A.G. “wow. So one week.”
Random college guy: “it was a weird breakup…no bitterness but we stayed physically exclusive which was great. Oh no no…we have been broken up.”
S.A.G. “that’s nice…but I bet it’s hard to be unemotional about sex when it used to emotional”
Random college guy: “we just…ya know…stayed in touch physically!”
S.A.G. “I hear you. For sure. I’m sorry, but it’s time that I get out of here so that I’m not more late than usual.”
Random college guy: “Yeah that’s the problem…I like the emotional sex so much more though”
S.A.G. “It’s good to have a mix, I’m sure. Have a great saint patrick’s day!”
Random college guy: “I feel like if there is emotion I can make her feel better and take her to places she wouldn’t normally go…if you get my drift.”
S.A.G. (in my mind) “Your subtlety makes it difficult, but I think I get it…”
BTW – This was the FIRST conversation we’d had in 5 years and it took place over a total of 5 minutes
Anywho, I’m now officially “Offline.” For those of you that have experienced something similar, here’s how you change the setting:
