One Hot Mess-y Break-up

Author: Single. Approachable. Girl.
October 9, 2011

A guy I know just saw Bridesmaids and found it rather sad because “Kristen Wiig’s character’s life gets more and more depressing throughout the movie.” I told him I didn’t it see it that way and he replied that his other girlfriends told him that girls aren’t really phased by that aspect of the movie because in every group of girls there is one girl who is a “hot mess.”

I thought about this for a minute and said that I couldn’t think of any “hot mess” girls in my circles of friends.

Then my line of sight shifted up, a confused look came across my face and I tilted my head slightly to the left.

(Flashback to 4 years ago)

I’m sitting at brunch with my mom in Manhattan Beach. I get a text from a girlfriend. “Hey [S.A.G.], are you coming to the wedding shower?”

S.A.G.: Shiiiiiiiiitttttt…..

(Flashforward to May of this year)

I’m running late for my friend’s wedding shower in Irvine. I can’t find my invitation and don’t know the address or the exact time of the event, but I’m pretty sure it starts at noon. It’s now 11:30, I’m leaving LA and texting all my girlfriends for the address. One of them responds with the address and says it started at 11 AM.

(Flashback to April of this year)

It’s a Friday at 3 PM and I’m on my way to Long Beach to get on a cruise ship for a bachelorette party. I run into traffic and call my friend to let her know.

Friend: [S.A.G.] You do realize that everyone is supposed to board the boat by 3:30 PM, right?

S.A.G.: But the website says that the boat takes off at 5 PM?!

Friend: Right…so you should probably be onboard before that…no?

Rest assured, I boarded the vessel before it left port.

(Flashforward to a week and a half ago)

I get a text message from my best friend’s fiance asking if I’m planning to RSVP to their rehearsal dinner. We’ll ignore the fact that the groom (not the bride) is the one following-up with me. I answer yes, but that I’m traveling and don’t have my invite with me. I promise to do it over the weekend.

(Flashforward to last weekend)

I get a text message from the groom following-up on the rehearsal dinner RSVP. Again, I’m not at home and don’t have the invite. He texts me his dad’s name and email address so I can email my RSVP.  I successfully RSVP (or so I think) and then his dad replies and says thank you for the RSVP, but could I please reply with my selection of chicken or fish.

Sure, when you read these mistakes all together, my “hot mess” defense is not holding a ton of water. But, that still doesn’t mean I’m the “hot mess” among my friends. I mean, come on. I have a good job, I always pay my rent at some point between the 1st and the 5th, I make time to see my family and I have a good credit score. Maybe I just give it all to my job and have little-to-no organization skills left for the rest of my life.

So what?…if one of my friends has been “trained” to purchase wedding, shower and birthday gifts for twice as much as she wants to spend so she can put my name on the card and hope that I bring my checkbook to the party. We’re just being efficient.

So what?…if my other friend always brings a book to read when I’m meeting her for dinner. I’m sure it’s just a really good book.

So what if I showed up to a date as a literal “hot mess” last year: A Sweaty First Impression.

Alright. Maybe I’m not buttoned-up all the time. But at least I don’t deny my wrongdoings. I’ve told my friends that if/when I get married, they will not be expected to do anything more than I did for them. They can be late to my events, they don’t have to buy gifts and RSVPs will be optional. Everyone’s looking forward to my Gypsy Wedding.

So I’ve been contemplating my “hot-mess-ness” this week since the Bridesmaid conversation, but I wasn’t convinced one way or the other until something significant happened. My housekeeper broke up with me.

Last Monday I called to check-up on her because she was 30 minutes late. She was having car problems and wouldn’t be able to make it, so we sort of rushed off the phone and said something about her coming on Saturday. I was out of town all week, got back in late Friday night and didn’t think about the rescheduled housekeeping appointment until Saturday morning at 9 AM – smack in the middle of yoga class (that sentence is the definition of “champagne problems”).

Sure enough, when I got out of class, her daughter (our translator) had texted me saying that her mom went to my house and no one was there.

I was so embarrassed, apologized profusely and then sheepishly asked if she would come back on Monday. No reply.

The next day I texted my housekeeper directly. I apologized and asked if Monday morning would be good. No reply.

It’s been over a week and still no word from my housekeeper. This may have been my first housekeeping arrangement, but I’ve been around the dating block enough to know that I’ve been dumped. I’ve been dumped by a woman who would make $60-$70 in (illegal) cash every 2 weeks for 2 hours of work.

So there you have it. I am a hot mess. Now, living in a hot mess.


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