The Easy Out

Author: Single. Approachable. Girl.
December 21, 2010

easy-button


When I was in college, a girlfriend and I went to Cabo San Lucas for Spring Break. At one of the bars, a boy came up to us and asked my friend how she would rate him on a scale from 1 – 10. Horrible pick-up line aside, her response was, “I wouldn’t rate you at all because you’re too short for me.”


This is the girl that set me up on a blind date last weekend. It’s safe to say I was in good hands.


It all started with a got a text message the Monday after Thanksgiving.


My Particular and Brutal Friend: “I just touched down in Burbank and I’m sitting next to the nicest guy. I want to set you guys up!”


Never needing much convincing when it comes to set-ups, I agreed immediately. Two weeks later, there we were: having dinner and making an honest attempt to get to know each other.


I’ll admit my expectations may have been a bit too high, considering I was set-up by a girl that won’t talk to a boy under 6′2″. But, when the bill came and he plopped down a $20 bill for our $60 tab and said, “that should cover my meal and drink,” it was clear my mis-set expectations were not the problem.


All the same – a Saturday night is a Saturday night, so agreed to getting an after dinner drink, vs. going home early.


I can’t remember the exact conversation that lead to the our last conversation, here’s how it went down…


$20 Bill Guy: Well I don’t want to have kids


S.A.G.: Really. Is it possible that you think you don’t want kids, but when you meet the right person, you will change your mind?


$20 Bill Guy: No. That’s not it. I’ve given it a lot of thought, but I just know that I don’t want to have kids and never will.


S.A.G. (realizing I had an easy out): Well, I suppose our decision whether to go out or not just got a lot easier. I mean, I can’t say for sure what my future children situation will be, but I wouldn’t want to count them out.


$20 Bill Guy: I just think it’s important for me to be open about this early on.


S.A.G.: That makes sense…


S.A.G. (realizing HE had an easy out): Wait a minute – do you just say this to girls that you don’t want to go out with again?


$20 Bill Guy: No. It’s not that. I just wanted to be honest. I hope you don’t think that’s what I’m doing.


I have no idea what he was doing but here’s my question: How does a guy who is dead set against having kids allow himself to get set up on a blind date? I’m not saying that everyone needs to want to have kids, but considering that it’s more likely a girl my age will want to have kids, he should probably come clean about this before the the actual set-up. Right?


Sure, it might be a tad awkward for him to blurt out “I don’t want to have kids” on a plane to an aspiring matchmaker – and stranger – but I’m just saying it would have saved me a bit a trouble. I got dressed, gave up my Saturday night and paid 2/3 of our bill for a blind date with a guy that is fundamentally a bad match.


Yeah…


I’m pretty sure he was giving himself an easy out with that one. But. let’s be honest, I should have known he wasn’t into me when threw down that twenty. According to Steve Harvey in Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, (my one and only trusted dating resource:) a guy will always pick up the check if he is into you.


So, it looks like we’ve cracked $20 Bill Guy’s code: He wasn’t into me and so he paid for dinner like a poor college student and when I still agreed to after-dinner drinks, he figured he would pull out the big guns by telling me he doesn’t want to have kids.


Then again, maybe he’s not into me because he is secretly gay.


Yeah. Let’s go with that. That will make it easier for me to explain why the blind date didn’t work out.



6 Responses to “The Easy Out”

  1. Laura Says:

    That’s a tough one… I am 39 years old and do not want kids. In fact, I have made sure of that surgically :)
    I typically date guys younger than me and often they are unsure of whether or not they want kids. It can definitely be a problem and one guy actually broke things off with me because of his uncertainty. However, I don’t think that this is something that needs to be disclosed prior to the actual set up because if you really fall in love with someone it might just overrule any decisions you might have had in your own mind.

  2. Rose Says:

    S.A.G , you’re spot-on, this guy wanted a way out.How do I know ? Because I’ve almost dated a man ( started as friends, then without the ‘date’ word, went on dates with him where he would flirt with me a lot and show lot of interest ), and then make me pay the bill every time, just ‘coz he’s earning a little lesser than me ( we both were into full time jobs by then, earning decently) ! I was in my mid 20’s, naive, so I just didn’t mind that, ‘coz I was soo into him, and was hoping that one day we would date, instead of just ‘hanging out’ on week-ends over the dining table of some restaurant to eat.

    Soon enough, he started to get rude and I called the friendship or whatever it is – off.

    Scenario 2:-

    I dated a man who wasn’t into me after 2 dates, but he let me know that by the end of the date, saying we’re different altogether, and he doesn’t have a common ground to connect with me.He paid for the entire date all through, and also paid for the cab to drop me home.( He too takes a cab, driving is tough in NY), though I insisted against it.

    I get it, not all men have the chemistry with us, just like we won’t with all men.A man or a woman with class, however handles this fact well.When I call off a date, I usually thank them for the dinner and tell the guy, he’s great – and I’m sure someone can appreciate him a lot more than I could.If the guy asks the ” why do you think so “? I never answer that and tell them it’s not necessary ‘coz it won’t get us anywhere.Sometimes people just dont get along, even if both parties are great people. I mean, I’m not going to tell the guy, he sounded like a narcissist who talked about himself for 98% of the time, right or that he’s too horizontally challenged ? The question in itself is not a good one. The, “Why are you rejecting me? ” question.

    In case a date is honest with me and says we’ve no connection ( when I thought there was ), I wouldn’t ask him why he thinks so … ‘coz that question in itself will not give honest answers. The simple answer is a person cannot feel chemistry with another for 10000000 or just no reason at all.

    What wierdo would make a girl pay 2/3rd of the amount, even if he’s not into her.I get your frustration, but you shouldn’t have asked, whether he does this to get his way out ? I mean, you can’t expect him to answer – yes I wanted a way out, so I’m talking about kids on the first date ! That just made it seem like you’re sooo into him, and disappointed the kids thing is drifting you apart.

  3. Rose Says:

    One word of advice I can give you through experience is : never, never go out on blind dates without getting to know the guy for a little bit, even if your BFF sets you up.Wastes a lot of time and energy and if the date doesn’t go well, we feel sad that our friends have set us up with such a jerk.

    You could still ask your friend for an email or phone number exchange between the two of you, or ask her to tell the guy that you want to talk to him over phone before the date ( it’s perfectly okay to ask so ), since you’re busy to meet before saturday,
    and
    talk to the guy over phone atleast 2-3 times before you actually go on the date, exchange pictures via email, or rely on your friend for an accurate physical description. This way, you ( and the guy ) could save lot of time, energy and money.

  4. Gus Says:

    My counter strategy could be way off base (after all, it’s going to be decidedly male and testosterone laiden) but here it is for your benefit – or not.

    Let’s say you continue down this road of blind dating – which I personally do not recommend. But let’s say you do.

    And let’s say we flip the scenario on it’s ear. You take charge and realize the blind date is going nowhere in the car pool lane. I’m talking about a, “Jesustittyfuckingchrist I am going to kill my friend for setting me up on this” misadventure. Why not beat the next $20 Bill Guy to the punch.

    Own the moment!

    Before the check arrives, say “I just want you to know that I do not want to have kids but I do want to have a lot of sex!”

    Make sure he understand that you are not going to be changing your mind EVER!

    You will see that Amex card fly out of the wallet so fast you might have to duck to avoid being hit by it. You will pay nothing.

    Ask him to take you to the Standard for cocktails. He will happily oblige. Order the finest martini money can buy. Hell, get two!

    Then proceed to inform him that the alcohol he’s purchased has provided you with an epiphany!

    “I want to have kids! Lots of them!”

    Just make sure you have all your things out of his car and cab fare home because surrogate $20 Bill Guy will probably move quicker than the Amex card did at the restaurant.

    But…The way I figure it, if you are going to get stuck with the bad date, he might as well get stuck with a righteous bill.

    Yours truly,

    Gus

  5. Rose Says:

    Gus, Very funny. Perhaps you missed a point. The guy
    blurted about the kids after the restaurant and drinks session is
    over, since S.A.G says it’s their last conversation about the kids.
    So ha ? What would a testosterone laiden guy recommend now to the
    lady ?

  6. Heather Says:

    I’m curious about something…but did the $20 cover his share of the total bill? If it did cover his share of the cost, then I myself don’t consider his behavior an attempt to repel interest. I might consider his behavior unchivalrous or less than generous but not necessarily a manipulative effort to give himself an easy out.

    If he wasn’t interested, why bother asking you out for after dinner drinks?!? (I’m assuming here that when you said “agreed to getting an after dinner drink” that it was Mr. $20 Bill who instigated the continuation of the blind date and not vice versa). Unless of course he was hoping to get lucky in the one-night-stand department after concluding that you were not “relationship material” in his world. That then might actually explain the inconsistency. Or was he himself also rationalizing that it was better to be with someone you’re not interested in on a Saturday night then to go home alone?!?

    And if it didn’t cover his share of the cost, why didn’t you say something? Yes, it might be awkward (like reminding a friend that he/she still owes you money) but you’re not asking him to treat you to dinner here…you’re asking him to be fair and pay HIS share. What exactly would be the possible worst outcome? You’d look cheap by choosing to bring it to his attention?!? It’s not nice to embarrass someone about having short-changed you?!? I’m sorry but if he plops down a $20 bill when he should have offered to pay at minimum his share if not 50% of the bill, then he deserves to be embarrassed. And I have yet a better question? Who cares? Do you really care what a guy who was either a) not interested in you or b) classless enough to leave you with more than your share of the bill…thinks?!?

    Call me a ball buster, but I don’t believe in positively reinforcing poor manners. You don’t have to be nasty necessarily, just calmly ask instead “What about tax and tip?”. And if that doesn’t work, try this approach…”Hmmm, well if you don’t have enough cash to cover your share, I’m sure they take credit cards here and I can easily give you my share in cash if that will help you with your low cashflow?” It’s not necessarily about the $10, it’s the principle!

    As for his “no children wanted” disclaimer, I myself do not believe that it was a back burner strategy in case plan A (short change dinner bill) didn’t work. I honestly believe that after some thoughtful consideration, some people simply decide that children is not really what they want either because they’re too selfish or because they’re not selfish enough (i.e. they don’t think that having the satisfaction of having a “Mini-Me” is worth bringing a child into a world with the way the world is going, nor do they want to add to planet Earth’s over population dilemma).

    Whatever the motivation, everyone is entitled to their preferences even if it doesn’t entirely align with yours. I know just as many women who do not want children as I do men. Some just didn’t want the responsibilities or worries that comes with raising a child. Others consider them noisy brats. And some just lack that paternal/maternal instincts that they think would make them good parents.

    Case in point, I knew a man who married his wife assuming that it was a given that she would one day want to start a family. It wasn’t until a few years into their marriage that the topic of children surfaced and she shares with him that she wasn’t interested in having any children. He stayed in the marriage a couple of years longer hoping that her biological clock would kick in and her urge to procreate would overcome her fear of losing her shapely figure. It never happened and eventually they divorced after 5 years of marriage. Is it too early to tell you he didn’t want children right out of the gate? Perhaps. But it would be far worse if he tells you this after you fall in love with him and now have to either emotionally detach or debate over some very difficult life choices.

    I’ve gone on dates with men who were very interested in seeing me again but still felt it was my right to know that they couldn’t have children (in my age bracket, it’s more because they had had their tubes tied). And at a previous point in my life, it was a dealbreaker. But I wouldn’t expect for any of these men to have volunteered this information to my prospective matchmaker. It’s just not something you share to a third party because perhaps there still remains this lingering hope that your date might not want children either. Whatever the case, it’s very possible you might be projecting your insecurities onto a piece of information that was simply that…a piece of information.

    So judge him for being tacky if you will, but don’t judge him for being honest.

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