Make Out or Hold Out?

Author: Single. Approachable. Girl.
September 12, 2010

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that my mother and grandmother want to aid me finding a man. My mother doesn’t want me making a colossal mistake and my grandmother just wants me to have grandbabies before it’s too late. I can’t rely on my looks forever, she reminds me.

What I do find humorous is how they choose to help. Four years ago (when I was 25) my grandmother gave me a book for Christmas entitled, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

S.A.G.: Grandma, you do realize I don’t have a husband, right?

Grandma: Exactly.

Can’t really argue with that. I read it, and was magically transported into 1950.

Then, last year my mom gave me “Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man,” by Steve Harvey – that’s right, the comedian. His book is written on the premise that he was a huge sleaze-ball, so he knows what other sleaze-ball guys are thinking. He wrote this book to warn his daughters (and other girls) how to avoid the sleaze-balls and find a man that actually wants to marry you.


I have to admit, he makes some good points in the book, especially regarding ‘What Drives Men.” He says that men are driven by who they are, what they do and how much money they make. Until a man has these three accomplishments fulfilled, he will be too busy to focus on the woman in his life.

This is something that girls in their 20’s experience time and time again. We meet guys who seem to like us and want us around when they want us around, but don’t seem all that interested in getting serious or moving in, let alone getting married. Then you meet men in their 30’s (or 40’s if you’re in LA) who have their shit figured out and it’s clear that their “light is on.”

Then Mr. Harvey goes into “The Playbook: How to With The Game.”

One “play” stood out among the others; “The Ninety-Day Rule: Getting the Respect You Deserve.” The gist is that you should not have sex with a guy you’re dating for 90 days. This gives you time to decide if he deserves your “benefits” (Steve’s word not mine) and it’s the only way to know if he is in it for the long haul.  If he just wants sex, he will not wait around for 90 days.

The trick, however, is that the woman needs hold out for 90 days as well. Steve doesn’t seem to think that this is going to be a problem, but one must assume that women reading books about how-to-nail-down-a-husband are approaching, or are well into, their sexual prime, so…

I asked around to a few girls I know and received the same response each time, “90 days?! That’s crazy!”

As a girl who has been actively dating for almost two years now, this concept had me a bit stumped. If you’re supposed to wait for 90 days with guys that have husband potential, what are you supposed to do with the majority of the guys we date who aren’t?

It finally became clear to me when I went out with White Rapper #2 a while back. As a reminder, this is the younger guy I met at karaoke who lives in his parents basement, works as an assistant to a maintenance man and is an aspiring rapper. He had been so persistent about us going out that I began to wonder if he was, in fact, a suitable dater.

He told me he lived with his parents and worked for a maintenance man to pay off his debts (responsible), liked his job because it taught him how to work with his hands (sexy) and finish projects (mature). Maybe his initial resume was deceiving.

So we went out to dinner and it didn’t take long for me to realize that he had not yet acheived those three goals that drive a man.

Who he is: An aspiring rapper that smokes pot 5+ times a day

What he does: He quit his janitor job and is focused on his rap career.

How much he makes: Since we split a meal, split the check and I paid for the tip, I’m guessing not much.

So – it’s fair to say White Rapper #2 is not going to be husband, material for a long while. I guess I just need to move on, right?

Not so fast…

At dinner I noticed something else about White Rapper #2. His hot, maintenance man, man hands. That’s when it hit me. If this isn’t the type of guy I need to hold out for, maybe he’s the type of guy I should make out with.

I went with that and I’m thinking it was pure genius.

I realized that by holding out 100% of the time, a girl could end up making a crucial error with a guy she actually likes. So maybe she needs to make out with the hot, but emotionally immature guys that have hot man hands…or shoulders…or forearms (take your pick), to remain in control.

So there you have it. A new way to categorize the men we date. We can ask ourselves: is he a Make Out, a Hold Out, or a Get Out?

I’m not sure this is the takeaway Steve Harvey intended – it’s certainly not what my mom intended – but I think we’re onto something here.

I have to leave now for a date. I wonder which he will be…

2 Responses to “Make Out or Hold Out?”

  1. lifebeginsat30ty Says:

    90 days?!?! Uh….how about 30? I could do that. I think. For a guy I really wanted a relationship with, sure. A guy I just want to jump…who cares cause he’s not sticking around, right?

    I didn’t read steve harvey’s book, but I think you and I came to the same conclusion on our own ;) Have fun!

  2. jkris Says:

    Ummmm.. 90 days is WAY too much. I know myself too well — and marriage material or not… that’s not happening!

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