Blog? What blog?!

Author: Single. Approachable. Girl.
July 14, 2010

I’ve always known there is a limit to how long I can date someone without telling them about the blog. Since most daters come and go within 3-4 dates, I haven’t yet reached that limit. But I have pictured what I would say to someone and how I would ease them into it once I was ready to share this side of myself.

(sigh)…best-laid plans…

After posting Previously homeless, Red flag? I had a vivid dream that Hot Shy Guy (as I now refer to him) read the post, got pissed and outed to me by hacking into my blog and replacing my avatar on my home page with an actual picture of me.

Aside from hacking into my WordPress, it was a fairly valid concern, considering we were set up by mutual friends who follow me on Facebook.

The thought of hurting his feelings overwhelmed me and I spent the next few days analyzing the post and questioning friends about whether or not I should take it down.

Many girlfriends had the same gut-reaction as me.

“Take it down. If I were dating someone only to find out later that they were writing about me on a website, I would be pretty upset.” Even my brother suggested that I take it down.

But then I spoke with some friends who convinced me otherwise with some very wise-sounding statements:

“Your blog is an expression of you and you shouldn’t cater it to other people’s feelings. Plus it’s anonymous so no one knows who you’re writing about.”

“Changing it would mean altering yourself to make the guy you’re seeing happy. What kind of relationship are you starting if you change yourself at the first sign of trouble?”

“How he feels about your blog is his deal, not yours. He may be overly sensitive to it, or hate it, and never speak to you again, but that means that he is not going to embrace you for who you are. On the other hand, if he is worth your time, he will probably like the blog and like you more because of it.”

So I decided to stay true to the blog, my opinions and my writing and deal with the subsequent consequences. I left the post as it was. I even wrote another post about Hot Shy Guy. I mean…what were the chances that he knew about S.A.G. anyway?

As I learned on Sunday, the chances were pretty good.

OUT cover

According to Hot Shy Guy’s confession to me on Sunday, he had run across the blog before we’d been set-up (thanks a lot, Facebook suggestion-ads) and had read it a few times. Our mutual friend told him that I had a blog, but didn’t say what it was. Once we started hanging out, I guess he put 2-and-2 together since I recycle my own “material” on dates.

Once he read Previously homeless. Red flag? he decided not to read it again.

The surprising part was that he didn’t stop reading it because I falsely accused him of being homeless – although I’m pretty sure he didn’t like me more after reading that. He said that he understood the blog was my creative outlet and didn’t want me to stop writing. As such, he decided not to tell me and that it was only fair he stop reading.

I guess the secret was weighing on him and he came clean on Sunday. Still. He insists that he hasn’t been reading.

I know what you’re thinking. “Yeah riiiiiight.”

Considering that I still happen across my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page for engagement announcements against my own will, I tend to agree with you.

So here we are. For the first time, I’m dating someone that knows about the blog. I’m in unfamiliar territory for sure, but I’m going to follow my wise-friend’s advice. The tough part about that is that I am officially taking ownership of this not-so-anonymous side project with the hope that this guy, and future potential daters, embrace it – along with me.

P.S. I’d just like to add (since he’s not reading this) that it drives me crazy that Hot Shy Guy has no windshield wiper fluid in his car. Seriously, how does he drive around with such a dirty windshield? Is he completely blind when he drives into the sun?

P.S.S. I’ll let you know how clean the windshield is next time I see him.

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7 Responses to “Blog? What blog?!”

  1. Fellow Blogger Says:

    Just wanted to express my sympathy! I’m in this boat too. I don’t know if it helps at all, but one thing I tend to do is record my stories about dates and then post them much much later. I’ve dated a few men who’d worried they’d appear on our site but they found nothing about themselves when they read it because they were old stories. Anyway, I recently had a potential date link me to my blog through Twitter and now he’s reading everything I’ve written. I guess its flattering if he wants to learn about my thoughts on men? Good luck to you and all of us semi-anonymous writers!

  2. sierra Says:

    I think it’s really sweet. In a hot, shy guy kind of way. He doesn’t want you to not write because you know he’s reading and he’s decided that he doesn’t want to be plagued by what you decide to say. It seems like he’s trying to let you be yourself and have that freedom. I probably couldn’t NOT read the blog, but I’m not him. At this point it doesn’t seem like you have any reason not to believe him, so I’d take his word for it. It’s very courteous of him.
    p.s. I also HATE when people don’t wash the windshield, it’s LA, there’s so much smog settling, I need to see people!!

  3. Rose Says:

    S.A.G, wow ! What a tough situation for you and the guy ( if he’s really like me, ie shy, shy people don’t like the world to read about them from a dater’s view, the last time I checked, it’s true, it could be fine now, but more dates along the road, it’d weigh on me ).

    On the other hand, you’ve great talent in writing, and we love your sense of humor and writing style.I don’t know for sure but I’m guessing writing things out may also have been helping you be in perspective.

    I’m able to relate to both of you guys on this one.

    I’d ask myself this question – would I like the world to read about me from hot shy guy’s point of view as a date in his anonymous blog ? If the answer is no, I wouldn’t do it to him.

    ( forget here for a moment, that he said he won’t be reading your blog from now on, if it’s me, I can never do that ! )

    Btw your P.S is really good, ‘coz he won’t be reading it anyway. ;-)

  4. Heather Says:

    My take on it is that if you know he knows you have blog…and although he claims that he won’t be reading it again…that knowledge that he MIGHT read it will probably impact your writing (i.e. censor your expression…might even affect your honesty). On the other extreme, you might even strategically cater your writing in such a way because you hope he will be reading it (the windshield wiper demo/trap above is a good example). My vote is to no longer include HSG in your blog.

    If your blog is truly anonymous that’s one thing but it isn’t. The fact is, you have a mutual friend who knows you have a blog and who knows that HSG is who he is. Just that alone would make anything you write about him an invasion of privacy. He may be incredibly cool for telling you he understands, but you need to likewise return the coolness by respecting his privacy.

    My philosophy is do unto others what you would have them do unto you. If he has a blog and a mutual friend who knows who you are, would you really be comfortable knowing that any commentaries he makes could be privy to his mutual friend, or worst yet friendS.

    Let’s face it, you don’t really know who is or is not reading your blogs. And we have all in one way or another experienced what a small world this is…six degrees of separation…and probably less in the lovely planet of Facebook. What if this mutual friend told another girl he was dating that he’s concurrently dating someone who has a blog. Isn’t it possible that she too would be able to put two and two together and would now all of a sudden have access to your dating life? Heck for all you know, I could be that girl!! (lol)

    My point is, if you REALLY like this guy, exclude him from your blog. You can continue to write about him, like one would write in a diary if you need to have a creative/expressive outlet, but don’t post it for all to see. If you need commentaries/feedback on this guy, then get it from your girlfriends (it’s a given that girls talk about who they’re dating or interested in; it is not a given that if you date SAG, be prepared that anyone who has access to the internet gets to read about you).

    If you’re not all that gung ho about him, then continue as is but I’m telling you that the Golden Rule will come back to bite you in the butt sooner or later if you are. Carrie writing about Mr. Big in a sex column only works because it’s television…the writers get to decide the outcome. In life, real people with real feelings are the main characters of your blogs. Unfortunately, as entertaining of a writer as you may be, you won’t have complete control over the outcome.

    Again, my position here is what it is because in this case it is NOT anonymous. My position is also contingent on whether or not you care about his privacy and feelings. If you don’t care then don’t worry about it. But if you’re posting a blog about this specific situation, then obviously you care. You’re just conflicted because you have your own selfish motivations to balance with your respect for his feelings.

    If you know you don’t care whether something more substantial will transpire between you and HSG, then act freely. But if there’s a part of you that’s hoping for romance and not serial dating, then take my advice and listen to your intuitions…and nightmares ;)

  5. Ashley Says:

    Bang on, Heather – will you be my girl friend ? No, seriously. Lol.

    You do care so much for our dear S.A.G. In other words, Rose also wrote the same, but you expressed it so elaborately.

    I’d surely miss reading about HSG, but then again, not at the cost of dear SAG’s or HSG’s emotions down the road.

    SAG, I just want to add to Heather’s advice – I read a blog written by a woman, and trust me after reading it for one day, I felt so depressed myself that I swore not to read that blog again. It’s like the woman thrives on drama in her life, creating it herself.

    She was posting about what she and her husband fought about, how they divorced, how mean her husband is, how mean she is to him, everything, no secrets. She also knows her husband won’t like the whole world to read her blog, but she doesn’t care, the blog is also a partial reason for their break-up itseems.
    Then she dated and married a guy who’s kinda private, she also wrote about him, even kept his photograph.She’s a very very famous blogger and she earns her living through that blog, so it’s understandable why she keeps to continue thrilling her readers at the cost of her personal life and emotions of people involved in it.

    Though we do enjoy the entertainment and the hilarity of your posts, we also do wish you well in your life. We love HSG, we also secretly hope I can read more about him, but keeping my selfish intentions aside, I think he’s just being sweet to you by saying you could continue and he won’t read it.

    Imagine, if your date is running a blog, writing about you, can anyone keep themselves from reading what it is. Down the road, this guy may not like it if you’re dating him for certain time.Yeah, it’s hard to know anyone around the world can read about who he is, and who knows one of us may even know him through some friends or mutual network.Not fair to him or you, IMHO.

    We do wish you and HSG the best ! Wish this blog is truely anonymous so it could keep flowing, without anyone’s feelings getting hurt down the road !

  6. Heather Says:

    Awww…how sweet…thanks for the kind words Ashley. I think I might have very well missed my calling. What was I thinking choosing prostitution as a career when what I really should have considered is becoming a psychotherapist slash talk show host slash advice columnist! (lol) And why yes people, that was a joke thank you very much! Uh…not about my being a Ho…about my being better off as a psychotherapist slash talk show host slash advice columnist!! :D

  7. MEg Says:

    I was in the same boat twice actually with my blog. We have similar stories, I write about the dates I go on and leave the other person completely anonymous, giving them just a nickname in my blogs. Two men found out about it though. One was by his own findings, being sneaky and finding the link on his own. It messed things up (that’s what he gets!) and we are strictly friends now. The other, I fell hard for and told him about it because I didn’t want the same thign to happen again. He ended up finding it anyway and once again it messed things up. BUT I have stayed true to what my friend’s recommend (the same as yours) and maintain my creativity with my blog and will never delete it for a man. The blog’s route may change from being a single dater to the life of a relationship and ultimately marriage/family but it’s my life and “I do what I want!” Cheers to you!

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