Putting the “O” in Oxygen

Author: Single. Approachable. Girl.
January 2, 2010

We’ve all been there (right?)…home alone on a Saturday night watching a movie. For me it was a few weeks ago. I can’t remember the reason, although I’m sure it was because I wasn’t feeling well…let’s just say it was.

On nights like these I rent a PPV movie because there’s not a chance in hell that I’m walking into a blockbuster alone on a Saturday night. I can’t remember what I ordered, but when the movie ended around 12 PM I started flipping through the channels and came across the best part of The Notebook, playing on Oxygen. You know the part…when Allie drives to Fallbrook because she saw Noah’s picture in the paper. Naturally, I stopped channel surfing.

I stayed awake just long enough to see her mother crying about the old boyfriend that shovels coal for a living and then I fell asleep. I woke up around 3 AM to what sounded like the home shopping network. It didn’t really phase me until I heard a woman say, “now this one is really good for anal play.” I’m sorry, what??? I sat up on the couch and forced my eyes to take focus.

It was definitely set up like HSN, but there were two women standing at a table covered with colorful toys for women. It was like driving by a car accident. With exception to picking up my iPhone to take pictures (you’re welcome), I was unable to look away as they picked up each toy and explained, in excruciating detail, its many functions and highlights. There were various sizes and appendages, one that hooks up to a faucet “for water play”  (pictured), one (which cannot be pictured) called the “Bedazzler” and a teeny tiny friend named “Thumbalina Vibe” – oh my. Honestly, it was a surprise 3 AM “master” class and I learned a LOT.


This is quite a racket that Oxygen is running. They lure single-stay-at-home-on-a-saturday-night women with The Notebook and right as they are about to go to bed with nothing but their thoughts about Noah Calhoun on a rainy afternoon, they are bombarded with 2-for-1 deals, only a phone call away.

I’ll admit, it’s a fairly genius marketing plan. I mean, it doesn’t really make a difference where you buy these items anyways – it’s not like you you’re going to try them on for size before purchasing.

I mean, shoot. The last time I went perusing it was because I had drunkenly stumbled into a fine establishment called the Tender Box on my way home from a bar. I stood in front of a wall-o-vibrators eating a late-night quesadilla directly out of its Styrofoam container and asked the woman behind the counter to “sell me on one of these bad boys.” That didn’t go over so well, so maybe Oxygen’s Orgasms for Women is exactly what the bizarro doctor ordered.

But can someone please help me out and explain what this thing does?


One Response to “Putting the “O” in Oxygen”

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