December Topic: Most Embarrassing Dating Stories

Author: Single. Approachable. Girl.
December 4, 2009

While I can read my own stories time and time again without losing an ounce of interest, I have a feeling this blog would be a lot more appealing to the rest of you if it had a more diverse author-pool. So, I’m launching Single. Monthly. Topics., and I’m lobbing you a meatball to get it going: Most Embarrassing Dating Stories. Simply click the Guest Bloggers icon and email me your story!

I’ll kick it off. I double-dog-dare you to follow my lead.

The Perfect Storm

It was the summer before I left for college and had just started dating this college boy. I was young and totally head over heels, and you know how that goes.

So one night, we were watching a movie at his house and laying next to each other on the floor, since his TV room did not have a couch, and sitting in separate lounge chairs was clearly not an acceptable option.

At one point, he rolled on top of me, making funny facial expressions and moving his body into bazaar positions to make me laugh. He succeeded and I laughed.

Apparently, the combination of the laughing and the pressure of his 190 lbs, coupled with the fact that I was currently unaware of my intolerance for lactose, caused what I refer to as…the perfect storm.

Somewhere within the laughter, I lost my “perfect-girlfriend” focus for a brief moment and something happened that is never supposed to happen around a new-ish boyfriend…or really any friend for that matter. It was unexpected, it was boisterous and it was horrifying.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “big deal…we’re all human” and honestly, I agree with you. Even at my young age, I’m pretty sure I could have survived the unfavorable scenario fairly unscathed, but I don’t have such luck.

Just after the incident, we experienced one of those moments where the record scratches and everything comes to a silent, awkward halt. Neither of us knew what to do and so we burst into uncontrollable laughter. Unfortunately for me, my laughter was truly uncontrollable.

To my horror, the “situation” was not over. It kept happening. The more I would laugh, the more it would happen, and the more it would happen, the more I would laugh out of sheer embarrassment. This went on for roughly a lifetime and his expression went from “that was ridiculous and funny” to “I’m confused and a little uncomfortable, but I’ll keep laughing because I have no idea how to respond to this.”

At this point, I had lost complete control; over the situation, over his perception of me, and – as if it couldn’t get any worse – over my bladder, as well.

My laughter stopped instantly and my reaction turned to dread. I was now hunched over on the floor holding my knees to hide my pants. My head was racing with ideas for how to get out of the room without him noticing. But, the best I could come up with was to stop time by touching the tips of my two pointer fingers together, like Evie from “Out of This World.”  When that didn’t work, I asked him to turn around.

“What?” he asked, (still in shock from hearing his girlfriend “rip one”).

I repeated, “will you please turn around?”

“Why?” he asked, looking more and more confused.

It didn’t take me very long to give in. I had lost. I had lost my chance to be dignified, sexy, mysterious, ladylike or whatever else you wish to be in front of a boy. There was no getting around it. I had walked into his house that night wearing light-green drawstring pants (OK, so maybe sexy was never on the menu) and now, after the unscheduled “wind-breaking symphony” I was wearing army-green drawstring pants.

With a red face and tears of laughter and dismay in my eyes I confessed, “I peed my pants!” and immediately ran out of the room.

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